My nursing nightmare story
At times, I’ve been a brilliant nurse. And a terrible one
Be prepared, this is not a pleasant story for you to read, or for me to tell.
A long time ago, and in my first role away from the hospital I had trained at, I was struggling, then I hit rock bottom.
It was a busy shift, and I was in charge. We had patients coming and going, I was on edge, working out where they were all going to go, I was answering questions from everyone, and there was a lot to do. I really hadn't mastered being in charge of this unit, but I was trying my best and did think I could sort out the beds, if not all the clinical questions.
I then saw the health care assistant rewriting all the patient names on the boards outside the rooms. In my mind, this was a waste. The names were already there, so why rewrite them? There were hundreds of things more useful she could be doing - Couldn't she see that? Why on earth was she doing something that was already done?
And that was pretty much what I said to her. I don't think I yelled, but I am sure it would have been most sarcastic and condescending tone. She cried. I carried on with my very busy day.
And this is where it gets a whole lot worse. Not only did I just move on, but I was proud I had made her cry. I had reduced a fellow human being, the lowest-paid, least appreciated member of my team, to tears, and I was pleased with myself. Great, I thought, maybe now, she'll do some actual work. What the hell. Seriously!
At the time, it was all about me. I was really struggling in the role, I was out of my depth. I was stressed and had no idea how to manage myself, let alone anyone else. I didn't think about leadership, teamwork or anything even close. It was just about how I got through my shift.
I could go on to tell you all the challenges and fears I had to face on a daily basis in this role that resulted in my behaviour that day. That would be a smoke screen for my shame.
This is a moment in my career I am ashamed of; it hides under a very large rock, but it is part of me, my history and part of how I got to where I am now.
I know I've changed, I've learned so much from that time. My management skills were so bad back then, I had no guidance, no mentor, with not a leadership book in sight.
It is said (on a Pinterest quote picture at least) that the expert in anything was once a beginner. This was me as a beginner. I was an OK clinical nurse, safe enough with a cardiac patient, keen to learn and experience more, but I hadn't even thought about the role of being a leader. We have to fail, to fall and then to get back up, learn and be brave enough to keep trying. I still have moments where it doesn't go right. A conversation that doesn't go well, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, a meeting I am not prepared for, or getting flustered when I am asked questions.
Why tell you this? We all have shame, and we're all afraid to talk about shame. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has on our lives (Brené Brown - Daring Greatly). The more we can own those stories, share what we learned, the more connection, understanding and trust we build.
We hold this all with grace, we share our stories with those who have earned the right to hear them. This isn’t a free-for-all, of terrible antidotes to spread around as a competition.
What I learned from this moment is part of why I do what I do now, why I place so much importance on the connection and the relationships we build. Why self-awareness and self-care we practice as leaders matter.
This story also stands as a reminder that we can also do better, always be better. That includes today. I’m not done - are you?
