Are you listening?

Skills

29 Jan

Being present with every person and every situation is not necessarily an easy or natural thing. When I received some feedback that I interrupted people, finishing their sentences and not looking like I was interested in their opinion, I felt crappy (and sulked a bit to start with). I decided I didn’t want to be that person. I put time and effort (and still do) into listening to people. Here are some of the tools I used to help me along the way.

Most people don't listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply
Steven Covey

Recall that wonderful feeling when someone 'gets' you and you think 'at last...someone understands'! This is an amazing feeling to be able to give to someone and creates a positive chain reaction that I don't believe we truly appreciate.

So how do you do it? What is it that gives that incredible feeling to others so that they get this whack of joy and you get to learn something new?

A good place to start is some rapport-building steps. Make and maintain eye contact (not 100% constant as you'll freak them out a little), face the person (or stand side by side - for some people face to face is too much), be at the same level (so sit down, or stand up - I'd even say re-adjust your chair if you can). This all shows you are ready and want to listen.

The concept of listening to understand rather than reply is captured in Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This idea of emphatic listening is a shift from wanting to explain yourself and your point of view to understanding the issue, topic, or what's going on from the other person’s point of view. More here on habit 5.

This website explains the levels of listening if you want to learn more.

How good a listener are you? When you have some idea of this, then you can work on areas to improve. Take this MindTool quiz to get a bit more insight into your current listening skills.

You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time
M. Scott. Peck

My learning has been to stop giving examples from my experiences - saying things like - 'oh yes, that happened to me' or 'just like when I......'. Rather, I mirror what I am hearing and probe by asking questions to understand more about the situation and how it has affected the person talking to me. We all deal with and react to similar situations differently, and just because I felt or did something does not mean that the other person will experience it in the same way. I believe we deflect from the person talking and what they want to share, celebrate or offload. There is always time to give advice but I don't believe this should be your first step response.